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Lyssa C
31 October 2009 @ 04:57 pm
In the continuing saga that is my messed up cycle this month: Yesterday am I took one of the pregnancy tests that I had from the hospital with FMU and it was negative.

However, I still have not started menstruating. My cervix has headed for parts so far north I can barely find it, and is completely closed, and for the last two days, I am wet all of the time, to the point that I think it may finally be AF, but it's just CM. It doesn't have any texture, though... not eggwhite, not stretchy, not even like arousal, just wet.

I generally have a fairly short LP (11-12 days), and I am 17dpo at this point, by my calculations; so, the only thing that I can think is that maybe I didn't ovulate after all, and I've just got the wrong end of the stick. I can't find my thermometer right now.

My body is telling me differently though.. I am PMSing. My breasts hurt all of the time, and get really bad about the same time every evening (6-11pm) to the point where, I'm grabbing them in public, until I realize what I'm doing.

I am continually crampy, painfully so, though this cycles some, too. Basically, I have all of the symptoms of early pregnancy/really, really bad PMS.

I don't know what to do/think at this point. Part of me wants this resolved, part of me thinks the BFN means that it has, part of me thinks "Good. Maybe I am pregnant, but if I don't KNOW, I can't worry about it, and one day, I'll be way past my first trimester and 'Surprise!'.

*rolls eyes* I mean, I know I'm not the sanest chick on the internets, but something has got to give here, and I'm afraid that it's going to be my sanity.

I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and cry now.

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Lyssa C
30 October 2009 @ 11:41 am
1. What’s your favorite sports movie?
Sports movies. What sports movies do I watch? Baseball. Football. Feelgood, underdogs. I know I've watched them....

*jeopardy theme playing in head* White Man Can't Jump? Nah, not a fave, just ALSO happens to include Jeopardy. lol.

///tests google-fu on "best sports movies" /// Ok. A few Honorable Mentions, but favorites?

Amused that Pool and Chess make the 'sports movies' categories, when that idea would get your @ss kicked in most high schools - Hey! Is revenge of the Nerds a 'sports movie. Nah. Didn't think so. Oooh and we almost have a winner, thanks to this site and its list of controversial inclusions.

TIE: The Cutting Edge and Bring It On. The first probably has a slight advantage in favoritism, but the latter fights back with sheer smart-assedness. (Though it almost loses coolness points for the 50 million sequals.)


(What do you mean that wasn't in the movie you saw?)

2. What’s your favorite romantic comedy film?
I haven't the faintest idea. I do watch them, but they aren't top of my list. I'm an action/thriller/suspense kind of girl. Hmmmm...

I'm going to go old school with this. Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson.



3. What’s your favorite animated Disney movie?
Hmm, I love the soundtrack to Mulan, and it's hard to narrow down, so probably that.


(Here, Have an mp3 of my favorite: Donny Osmond - I'll Make A Man Out Of You [Mulan])

4. What’s your favorite non-Disney movie musical?

Into the Woods (with Bernadette Peters)


5. What’s your favorite stranger-in-a-strange-land / fish-out-of-water movie?

Wizard of Oz!!!!!


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Lyssa C
30 October 2009 @ 10:30 am
Last night, I wrote the following on the message board:

I hurt!!!! My breasts are so sore right now, and my bra is killing me. My belly is so sore and crampy and hurting and I am getting one h#ll of a headache. I can NOT wait to go home, and relax in a cold, dark room with as few clothes as possible and a couple of naproxin.

I am miserable. AF better show by the morning, or else that stick better d@mn well have two lines. This is ridiculous. I have to start a new rotation on Moday and I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend. I DON'T have time for this... (and it really hurts).


Guess, what? Still here. Still hurting. No menstruation, except in my dreams (which is kind of weird, dreaming about getting your period, in the midst of already weird dreams, dealing with tampons, etc.) Aaaannnddd, I used the last hCG test that I snagged from the hospital. One big fat pink line = NOT pregnant. No way, no how.

Look, the witch better show up quick, fast, and in a hurry, because I am 16dpo, and negative on a very sensitive test with FMU, so I am NOT PREGNANT. That makes this uncomfortableness nigh on torture and quite unnecesary. If she doesn't show up by Sunday, I'm breaking out the progesterone to show her who's boss around here.

__________________


Also, Suzy of Not a Fertile Myrtle is hosting a 30 posts in 30 days blogathon during the month of November. Who knows if I will be able to do it, or to have anything interesting to say, but I'm going to give it a shot.



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Lyssa C
29 October 2009 @ 10:43 am
I am no longer a blonde. Apparently, this is news to no one but me.

I've always been blonde. In fact it is a weird Mendelian quirk that both of my parents had black hair and dark brown eyes, and both my brother and I had blonde hair and hazel (brown/green eyes). My paternal grandmother is to thank for the eyes. My maternal grandfather had reddish blonde hair, and the rest is a mystery.

Now, I call my hair chameleon colored really, in that it is and has been every color and none. As a child the whitest of blondes, light strawberry blondes, and "dirty" blondes all occured at some point. My hair began to change and darken slightly during my teenage years, becoming a darker blonde with nice, clear blonde highlights and red lowlights. My formerly bone straight hair also became quite curly... an experimental body wave had me looking like a poodle.

I've never really dyed my hair, or at least not more than a shade or two lighter or darker or redder, nothing that would give me obvious roots when it grew in. It was never really an issue. My hair seemed to take on whatever color was applied. A couple of years ago though, I dyed my hair a dark chesnut red (almost purpley). It looked awesome, but was much darker than my previous experiments. So maybe that's why I didn't notice.

I cut my hair last night. The curls that fell into the sink have not been chemically treated at all, and they were, by no stretch of the imagination, not blonde. They were a deep rich brown.

When did this happen and how did I not notice it?

I mean, I did notice my hair was darker lately (and for a while), but I didn't realize the extent of the change. I realized that I didn't notice, because I don't look in the mirror. I am so unhappy with the woman who looks back, that I avoid looking, and avoid really seeing when I do. It's a lot of little things... the dissonance between who I think I am and what I see. The effects of the hirsutism of my hormone issues. I don't know, but it's really sad that I am so out of touch with who I am that I didn't even realize that I wasn't blonde anymore.

I should work on that.

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Lyssa C
28 October 2009 @ 10:38 pm
I'm a raving hormonal b#tch, but my tits look nice.

(Translation: My breasts and belly are sore and swollen, and AF has not get arrived to put me out of my misery.)

Despite my misgivings, the stick has been duly peed on, and the chronic single line has appeared. So, I am in limbo - not pregnant, but not yet menstrual and moving on.

The good news, is that despite my recent laissez-faire (spurred on by premenstrual depression), I am starting to see the effects of my "diet". I say diet in the loosest terms, because I'm not counting calories by any means, though I am watching carbs. I am also walking home from the hospital each day,k and sometimes also to the college (about 2 miles). I am starting to see the muscles in my legs become more defined again, and I finally noticed the other day that some of my fat belly has gone AWOL.

My breasts are a bit smaller, but apparently premenstrual swelling does wonders for them. DH apparently agrees because he gave me a sheer white top to put on when we went out to Wal-Mart. I wore it of course, because I'm trashy like that - and it's the little things (or not so little as the case may be) that we have to hold on to when infertility once again kicks us in the ass (or the cramping lower abdomen).



That is all.

///We are considering moving on to a last ditch attempt with injectibles next year, depending on my employment situation.///

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Lyssa C
27 October 2009 @ 11:51 pm
... but I suck, so there's no telling, because my TCOYF software apparently sucks right along with me.

I've been a bad, obsessive TTC girl this cycle (as you may have noticed), spurred on by the fact that I was doing my clinical practicum in the bloodbank/serology department with all you can handle pregnancy tests, so here is my month to date.

According to my practice trying to pay attention to my body and half-assed charting (CM mostly) This is the second time I've ovulated since last November (the last being in May, when I was last similarly baby crazy). My ovulatory cycles are fairly normal 29 days, with about an 11 day LP. (Annovulatory cycles are generally ~35 days and up.)

TMI cam :: ////I had super EW mucus on the 12th, like the picture in the TCOYF book and was really wet down there the 12th and 13th. TCOYF has me ovulating as of the 14th when I became dry as a bone...////

Last Tuesday, I took my first stupid test (6dpo urine... lmao now), Wednesday, I did a blood test, Sunday (11dpo) I did another urine test. ALL BFN of course... (I'm a late positive tester anyway, so I have NO IDEA WTF I was thinking).

So, AF was due today (actually, I've been expecting it since Saturday, but TCOYF said today... Last night, I had major cramping and my usual PMS symptoms, so I expected AF to be here when I woke up.

Nada... just lots more PMS-y aching, cramping, crabbiness. JOY. So, I put that in my chart for today, and instead of kicking me one day later, like a normal late AF, TCOYF added another WEEK to my cycle, as if it were one of the annovulatory ones. Meaning, that if I did ovulate as I am 90% sure I did, TCOYF says I should now get my AF about 20dpo @#%!@#*&

And, now, of course, I won't pee on a stick. Dude - AF is coming, this is ridiculous, never mind my crazy "symptoms" that are getting worse. Hello, PMS. Besides, if it's too early to test positive, it's too early for symptoms, and that's my story, I'm sticking to it.

I mean, you have NO idea how much I want this, but at the same time, I wish AF would just show up and put me out of my misery.

Disclaimer: I told you I was crazy.
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Lyssa C
25 October 2009 @ 11:31 pm
The two week wait of obsession and dread - Am I pregnant? Is it too soon to test? What about implantation bleeding? Go to any fertility/ttc support board and you will find millions of questions like this from newbies and veterans who should know better.

My boobs are sore; I know because I've been mashing on them all day, and they weren't sore yesterday, so it must be a sign. My mucus turned flourescent pink; does this mean I'm going to have a girl?


Ok, so I am not exactly innocent of the charges. In fact, last May, I purposely recorded every single one of my crazy 'symptoms' to catalog exactly what I was feeling when I wasn't pregnant, to remind myself of the crazy making. I think it's because for those two blissful weeks of hell, it's the ultimate balancing act of the ttc experience. You're not pregnant - but, you could be.

It's this weird psychosis (that I have) I think... if I test and it's negative then I'll feel really stupid and then AF will show up. If I don't test, I'm like a pregnant version of Schrodinger's cat. lalala - not pregnant, not pregnant... ooops, really!!! AF still hasn't shown.... hmm. Meanwhile I read all about pregnancy and pretend to make a registry that I'll never need and generally do wacky things until AF puts me out of my misery.

It's not over until the witch shows, every assures you, and you long to believe it. Sometimes your denial progresses even further, 'oh, but so and so still got her period and was 3 months pregnant!!1111!1' so it could still be possible!

There is so much potential that it is hard not to get caught up in it - if you don't look, if you don't know the truth, Schrodinger's cat is both alive and dead at the same time, and as such is really neither. If I don't test (and even if I do), I don't know, and so I can imagine that I am, that I might be pregnant, even as I know that I'm not.

Hey, bet all those people who think getting pregnant isn't rocket science wouldn't believe that it's quantum physics instead.
 
 
Lyssa C
20 October 2009 @ 11:13 pm
I've been thinking a lot about infertility again lately. It is a constant companion, but one that only comes to the forefront of my mind in each passing month, yet grips my full attention every so often. I've done pretty well lately - other than a brief bought of obsession around Mother's Day (incidently the only other time in the last year that I've ovulated) - despite collegues who are pregnant and one who recently suffered a loss.

But, when I am got in its grip, it seems to take over everything, and each time it is like dealing with the inherent loss all over again. It's almost as if I have to go through the stages of grief all over again, every time. Not like losing an actual child, or even like my miscarriages, it is more like I hav allowed myself to once again be caught up in the potential, the wishing and hoping, and the 'just maybe', and now have to come to terms with that loss. It is in a way never ending, even if you become a veteran of such skirmishes.

It's the denial that gets us in trouble. Anger is a near constant companion. Acceptance, when we get there is hard won, and sometimes fleeting, but it's that bargaining that always gets me.


My fairy godmother will come down and grant me a perfectly happy, healthy, beautiful baby (or two or three) and while she's at it, I want to glow with personal beauty, not really gain any weight, to actually end up so perfect that I am more physically fit at the end of my pregnancy than the beginning of it. If she also wants to throw in some money to get us a beautiful house and to care for our beautiful baby/babies all the better, because of course, pregnancy will make everything all better.


*snorts*

You think after so many years, I wouldn't believe in fairy tales any more - and yet, it's the only thing I have to cling to - you know, not having an actual baby. Which is all really rather pathetic of me, considering I am finally taking care of myself, getting ready to graduate with a degree and possible employment in a field I absolutely love, and life is going pretty damn well, if I let it. And yet, I am being maudlin and obsessive, as if I received my diagnosis last week instead of 16 years ago. wtf?
 
 
Lyssa C
15 October 2009 @ 10:29 pm


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Lyssa C
14 October 2009 @ 02:34 am
My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

This entry was originally posted at lyssac.dreamwidth.org. Please comment there using your OpenID / livejournal username.