I swear I'm going to end up one of those crazy ladies with a hysterical pregnancy like that chick on Grey's Anatomy.

I posted over the weekend/Monday or sometime about how I was having weird pregnancy symptoms/premonitions even though I was barely past ovulation and knew it was impossible. Today my breasts are killing me. I'm only 5dpo. I'm not that crazy yet. I know it's all in my mind, but dammit.

On top of that, I had a doctor's visit today because I've been having problems with my diabetes. I told her that I wasn't "trying" but I wasn't "not trying" either. She told me not to get pregnant right now, because of my health and the stress of my current financial situation. I know all of that in my head, and really, it's been quite a while since I was this "baby crazy". I don't know where my head is at.

It's been a weird few years since my last miscarriage. I have pretty much come to terms with it all, and have accepted that it's probably never going to happen. I can't say that I have been TTC, because I hardly ever chart and our sex life is mostly non-existant at this point, but there are weird times, when out of the blue, obsession strikes again.

Last month, I was hoping that I might be pregnant, allow I was 83% sure that I wasn't. This month is different. Maybe, because yesterday was Mother's Day. I ovulated this weekend. Friday, I convinced DH to spend a little time together. I'm not charting, so I don't know my temps, and can't guarantee that I even ovulated. I know that if I am "pregnant" implantation has not occurred. So, why do I "feel" pregnant? Why do I strangely feel like this might be it?

This weekend, we cleaned out a ton of our baby stuff and let it go, selling it off as a lot to DH's aunt for her kid's resale shot. I am perfectly ok with that. Even a bit relieved.

I went back to school a year after my last miscarriage (something it would have been near impossible to do with a baby) and am happily haeding toward graduation and a career and possibly grad school.

I am moving on with my life, not stressing about not having a baby. I do hope that it might mythically be possible, and I do want one, but am not as heartbroken most of the time that I've moved beyond that stage. I am about to be 34 in three weeks, and think I have let this go.

And yet, I am dreaming. Or more importantly -- not. You see, I dream of babies all of the time. Me getting pregnant, me having a baby. I do a lot of lucid dreaming, and my dreams are often self-insertion fantasies that resemble harlequin novels (lol don't judge me). The only time I have ever been unable to do this was during my pregnacies (and it was the one thing that always changed even before I knew I miscarried). This weekend, I stopped dreaming again. I have also had heartburn every time I get hungry the last few days, which only happens when I am pregant - except it's too early to be pregnant (like 3 weeks too early to be having symptoms, if I am), so why is my damn mind playing tricks on me, and how do I cope with it?

The d&c was unnecessary. I woke up today miscarrying. I went to the ER after I passed the sac, and the OB on call (my previous OB) confirmed that it was a complete miscarriage. I am very sad this pregnancy is over, but it was a bit of a relief.

I met with the Ob today. He's in the same practice as my old one, but I like him a lot better. (I am slightly less impressed with his nurse, though - the old one was great).

We talked over my options, and I have schedueled a D/C for Wednesday. We didn't really bother redoing my tests, once he explained my ultrasound results. There was no heartbeat, and only about a weeks worth of growth since the last ultrasound, which was a month ago. It's... *shrugs*

I've come to accept it, and chose the d/c this time, instead of waiting on mother nature as I did last time. Last time, it only took like a week or two for me to miscarry and then a little over a week of heavy bleeding. This time it has already been a month, and I am only spotting. Also, I don't know how to describe the feeling of walking around with your child inside of you, knowing that it is not growing or thriving, but is, in fact, dead. It's a tough burden, and I am ready for this to be over.

Apparently, I have some health issues to resolve, and the dr is adament about me being on birth control for a while. He thinks there is a problem with my blood sugar control and my blood pressure was slightly high on Saturday, which I had attributed to stress, and even higher today. He is concerned.

I am still thinking over what to do next, but right now, my plan is to get healthy and employed. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards.

I'm eleven weeks pregnant today, except that I'm not. I went into the ER tonight. It was trivial, really. I haven't been feeling well, been crampy, and today I had a lot of discharge with some blood in it, so DH wanted me to go in, and I didn't argue too hard.

My HCG is still high, but not as high as it would be for 11 weeks. The baby is measuring 7-8 weeks, and there was no fetal heart tones. It is unlikely that this is just a case of mistaken dates with that large of a margin, especially since four weeks ago, I had a six week fetus with heart beat.

I have to call on Monday for a follow-up appointment with an OB, where they may repeat the u/s, but it looks like this is the end.

It's just like last time - my increased "morning sickness" was really a sign that my pregnancy was failing, not thriving, that small percent that you hear of losing the baby after a heart beat is detected - once again, that's me. I'm 0-4 and really not happy about it. I don't know how to do this again. I don't know how to keep doing it. I don't want to give up my dream, but I guess it's really not meant to be.

I haven't called my family, yet, and to be honest, I am really not ready to. I'm so tired.

I got a call today, asking me to come in for an interview at the local hospital for a couple of PRN positions. I am thrilled. I put the application in a couple of months ago - before I was pregnant - but had given up on hearing from them. I don't really have any recent work experience, and my work history doesn't look the best because of it.

However, I really want to get on at the hospital, and while this will be something new (not exactly what I applied for, but a good position), and it is a part-time/PRN position, so I don't have to worry about being overwhelmed with my health issues. Also, I have 6-6.5 months until the baby is due, and if the position is just a couple of days a week, my husband can watch the rugrat, if I wanted to continue working.

I really need this - emotionally and finacially. My husband is working for a temp agency, and while he may have gotten a new long-term position today (we'll see), he only worked one day, each of the last two or three weeks. We are having a really tough time. On top of that, the place where we live is absolutely awful, and I have no desire to bring a baby into this environment. I want to be in a new apartment before the baby is born, so I need to find the money to move, place deposits, pay higher rent, etc.

So if you guys could say a prayer, light a candle, and/or just send some positive energy my way, I would really appreciate it.

I hate it, hate it, hate it.

Ok, so I have been unwilling to admit that I have morning sickness, because, really it has been pretty mild to date. I have periods (ok almost constant) of nausea, and tons of food adversions, but nothing too overwhelming. I have only thrown up a few times, and then only small amounts.

That changed yesterday. It started out as heartburn in the mid-afternoon, which I blamed on a spicy piece of chicken that I had for breakfast. I took some tums, and was ok for a little while. However, as the day progressed, so did the heartburn, and with it, the nausea. My stomach was one completely acidy mess. Finally, I lost. I ran for the bathroom, and threw up for like ten or fifteen continuous minutes, but all it seemed to be was this acidy stuff, that burned my throat and was not dissimiliar to dry heaves, with a tiny bit of orange juice and water mixed in. (Sorry if that's too graphic.)

Despite the fact that I haven't thrown up since then, the feeling as never really gone away, even now. A couple of times, I even went and sat on the floor in frront of the toilet, just in case, because it felt like I would vomit. Worse than the nausea, is this burning sensation that really hurts, and nothing seems to touch, not tums, not pepto-bismal, not eating, and that is what is making me nauseaus, so traditional remedies are out. ugh.

I thought this was supposed to start getting better about now, not worse....

::pouts:: I don't feel good.

Well, I guess the pain the other day was a good thing. The consensus was that it was probably round ligament pain, ie. my uterus growing and stretching. I qam inclined to believe it, since the pain stopped the next day, mostly, and that night I noticed a change in my "bump."

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that if I pushed on my abdomen, just above me pubic bone, that it felt hard. Well, now I can feel that same hardness from the side - a little bulge about the width of my fist and sticking out about half an inch or so. I am taking it as a good sign. If I am growing, then as far as I can tell, so is the baby. So yeah - me.

As I mentioned in my last post, this is the farthest along that I have been in any of my pregnancies, including the time that I waited to miscarry in 2004. I am more than one-quarter of the way through my pregnancy. March seems both so close and so far away, with less than seven months to go until my due date.

Speaking of growing, I forgot to mention in my post last week, but I had to start wearing maternity/nursing bras again. I had one from my last pregnancy, and went and bought another at Wal-Mart (the biggest size they had [42DD]... ugh). However, the strangest thing happened; I went to Deal$ (a Dollar Tree kind of store) and they had nursing bras there, of all things - and get this - the only size they had was mine (my non-pregnancy size, 40D). I bought three of them ($1 each) and they are more comfortable (and more flexible) than the one I bought at Wal-Mart for quite a bit more. On top of that, they are the adjustable kind (D-DD-F), and the band is also more adjustable (I have it on the smallest hooks right now) so I will still be able to wear this for quitre some time, even if I get huge when my milk eventually comes in. Talk about a major deal - and made just for me :)

So big boobs, a growing belly, and a still pregnant me... I am continuously in awe of the fact that there is another person growing inside of me - not just a son or a daughter, but a whole other person... growing... inside... of me. It is absolutely mind-boggling.

Today, I will be 9weeks 5 days, and that's the longest I've ever been pregnant, though I still worry about the possibility of miscarriage. This is a bit of a milestone though, and one I have been waiting for. Today also marks 7 months exactly until my due date.

However, all day yesterday (Wednesday), I hurt - down in my lower abdomen and cervix. It's a really achy, burning kind of muscle pain, and my cervix really is sore, but it's generally sensitive. It's pretty painful, especially if I sit up for a while. I am trying to take it easy, but it's really uncomfortable.

It's not a severe/sharp pain, but more like really bad menstrual cramp type of pain, with a slight burn in the muscles, and not that long ago, it started spreading all the way up to my navel. I asked some of my friends about it on the board I hang out at and the general consensus is that it maybe a growth spurt kind of thing - the round ligaments growing and stretching with the baby. I just know that it's very uncomfortable, and I want to stop worrying about this baby.

I also feel icky with nausea and heartburn.... I want to feel better - I've got to clean my house, it's getting filthy. Though, hey, it should go without saying, that I will put up with this for 7 more months, if it means a healthy baby in the end... excuse me while I go take some more tums.

I feel icky - not sick, so much, though I am, kind of. My sugar's have been in the low-normal range. I had to have the waitress bring me some orange juice last night at Barnhill's because I had waited to eat, and was shaking really bad, though my sugar was only in the low eighties, I start having hypoglycemic symptoms when it is.

My blood sugars have all been well, recently, but food is an issue. I am being extremely picky. Mealtimes are hell. I don't want anything, or we don't have a huge selection in the house... Salads with oil and vinegar dressing, and soups. If I wasn't pregnant, it would be a great diet. Right now, it is just a chore. I am either starving or stuffed. I hate food - hate it, hate it, hate it.

Ooh, I also like goldfish (the crackers) I bought two bags a few weeks ago - one of pretzels and one of whole grain cheddar, and they make good snacks here and there. I'm not overdoing it - I still have some of both.

I guess this post is mostly about food. I don't really have much to talk about. I'm pregnant, but it's pretty early, and who knows what's going on in there, since I am not vomiting on a regular basis or anything. *shrug*

I am working on my baby quilt though. It's a cross-stitch pattern with teddy bears and moons, with "I see the moon. The moon sees me. God Bless the moon. God Bless me." I really like it, and it's coming along.

I also have a crochet baby blanket around here somewhere that I should be working on. It's really funny; my husband teases me because this thing is huge. Forget a baby, this will cover a twin size bed when I am done. lol. I may start a different one, but I am determined to finish this one.

I need more crafts, interesting things to do, and puzzle books. I love logic problems. I've gone through three books of puzzles since I got pregnant.

I also got my registries mostly straightened out. I know it's early, but I like to plan for things. I also have to figure out how much money we are going to need for stuff. It is highly, highly unlikely that I will have a shower or anything, so they are mostly for my benefit anyway. I have three of them - Wal-Mart, Target, and Babies R Us. Maybe that's excessive, but there isn't too much on each one, and I like to shop around. Besides, I figured if anyone did want to buy anything, they could choose whichever was more convenient for them (or my amazon wishlist, to keep me occupied until the baby comes).

The end for now.... *yawn* (still so tired, too.)